Through the Eyes of Time

As I was moving back home from college I did a little cleaning out of my closet and what I found brought joy to my heart. All my favorite books from my childhood and my favorite childhood play things and hobbies. I was reminded of my childhood passion for horses. I had horse paraphernalia coming out of my ears. My activity of choice for long car rides or plane trips was always a horse book. Not just horse stories, mind you, but Dorling Kindersley books on breeds of horses... my definition of edifying literature. Come to think of it, I used to be able to identify all the different breeds of horses in our nearby canyon as we whizzed past in our Toyota Previa. I went on many an adventure with my favorite horse Shasta, through the meadows of my mind and always left room in my future for that to become a reality. To this day I still watch horse movies, not for their cinematic proficiency, but for their childlike mastery and portrayal of the equestrian beauty. As I fondled my plastic horses of all different breeds and I tried hard to remember their names, I reflected back to that little girl to whom those horse adventures meant so much. I thought 19 was so far away, so magical, so grown up. Time however works so differently than I would have ever thought, and I wonder if it’s even weirder than I think it is now and only time will tell. I used to want to be a horse veterinarian till I realized I had an uncanny fear of blood and vomit. James Herriot will forgive me one of these days.
Anyways I stumbled over other things beside my plethora of equestrian accoutrements, I also came across the many books that I had attachments to and thought worthwhile enough to save. I leafed through colorful pages and was shocked at how well intact they were. My parents always instilled an incredible value and care for the things we owned and taught us to be good stewards even from an early age. I had a deeply sensitive conscience and when all my friends would cut their dolls hair or paint their nails, the most I ever did to mar mine from their original fresh-out-of-the-box state was braid my dolls hair and change their clothes. Same with books, book ripping in our house was akin to imagination homicide, intentional ripping never, ever happened and accidental ripping was deeply frowned upon because of its radical carelessness. All that to say, we took very good care of our books. In the book “Letters From Felix” every other page contained an actual letter that went along with the story. I recall my 8 year old self’s deep temptation to take the letters out of the book and play with them as if they were written to me, alas, my conscience was too strong and I left all the letters and the stickers from the back of the book in there my entire childhood.
Beatrix Potter was a classic, Patricia Polocco books and my most favorite book that I got from the tooth fairy, “Princess Lulu Goes to Camp” were some of my most beloved stow-aways tucked in the secrecy of my closet. Such good memories to come home too. Oh I almost forgot “Maybe a Band-Aid Will Help”. I wouldn’t have called my desperate desire for attention as a kid a result of being neglected, but there was the reality that mom and dad couldn’t be all things for all kids at the same time, that’s why this book resonated with me so much. This little girls favorite doll broke and her mother was too busy to fix it, she did everything she could to get her mother to come help her and finally, her mother came. And they lived happily ever after. I liked that story because without fail, in the end, mom will come. Mom might be busy and might have a lot to do, but just be patient, she will dry your eyes and give you the time you need. That’s how my 6 year old self thought through things I suppose, and I was encouraged by that. Ah good memories.

Goodness Gracious... Literally

4 semesters, 44 units of blood, sweat, and tears. This, my friends, is the image of cadet-hood in Torrey. God is good. I think of where I am now as compared to where I was two years ago, anxiously anticipating college and not even remotely interested in the great books program where it seemed as if one is forced to sacrifice their soul to the shrine of tedious, brain-splitting, hard work. There was always a part of me that wished I was smart enough to be in an honors program but I most certainly was not. Had you told me that I would have had to read all these books I probably wouldn’t have even wanted to. God’s will for me fortunately was not my own. He handpicked me in a funny way and it was not because I have any talent or ability in the academic world. I’m glad I didn’t listen to myself, my plan seems so silly now. Anyways, before you freak out, I didn’t read every page of every book, several of the books required smaller selected chapters or sections of the text.

Either way, these aren’t like other pieces of literature that you read in college, I wouldn’t even consider selling these books back to the bookstores. They don’t just tell you facts or how to do certain things (which are immensely valuable, don't get me wrong); but they are an integration of history, developing thought, stories, logic, politics, and so much more. But not only are they reflections of ancient to modern culture and thought; they become a part of you because of the manner of participation in the reading of these ideas and stories. My words, thoughts, reactions are an irrevocable part of those margins and spaces of each text. God is gracious to have allowed me the strength and ability to get through each book, each discussion, each pull question, each paper, and 4 don rags. Four semesters later, I am now a cadet in the program and have done very well by God’s grace, something I never imagined myself saying two years ago. How cool. Thanks God.

*breathe*

While I'm waiting to be inspired by something wonderful, I'll just start writing. That's how most people tell you to get over writers block right? While I don't exactly have writer's block, I stand a little emptied of labor at the end of this semester looking back at a job well done. Another semester behind, another summer ahead, jobs are few and far between and there is a very bold line in my mind between desire and necessity.
As I reflect back over this semester I think of all the blessings, all the joy, all the growth that God has allowed me in his grace. It is spring in the secret garden of my soul and I look forward to the summer where I can spend time with some of the few people I love who have been given a key.
I did a little bit of an experiment a couple of weeks ago after I read a book by a Buddhist monk about mindfulness and breathing. He talked a lot about how you mustn't live life in the moment beyond the one you are in, you must do everything you are doing for the sake of doing that thing. Yes, there is a bigger picture, I'm writing this word so I can click publish after many words. I am, however, writing this word right now and being mindful of the fact that I am writing this word as I write each and every word after this. He talked about how your breath is a huge catalyst for becoming a mindful person and to start you must be able to control and be mindful of your breath. Interesting that the word for breath in Hebrew is the same word used for Spirit in the Bible.
Anyways, the experiment was basically a walk to the cafeteria and a meal of mindfulness. It was a boring meal. Everything about it was uninteresting and I had no idea that a meal could turn in to such a task, a task that I wasn't very good at, mind you. What happened when I got back, however, was amazing, I could close my eyes and remember every step, every leaf, every crack in the pavement, almost every bite, that is, until I would come into close proximity with a few friends I knew. My thoughts, goals, immediately and radically changed to wonder how I was being perceived. For those brief moments of "Hey so-and-so!" my breath was forgotten, the pavement lost, my train of thought was derailed. I only now even remember one of the several persons that I actually saw, and I have no recollection of myself or what was around me during those moments. It then occurred to me, the reason why we forget anything is because we are not mindful of what we are doing, we are only mindful of what we feel. This is all a very dramatic retelling of the event when it was all very normal interactions, I wasn't really thinking about how I was being perceived, in fact I was probably just glad to see someone I knew and cared for, but deep down inside when we are in the presence of others I think that matters. For if I was truly absorbed into the idea and persons of my friends, I'd be able to remember all five people I knew and cared about on the way , at the caf, when as now, I can only remember one of them.
We understand our feelings but we have no idea of what's going on around us or what we are doing. The problem with this is that our feelings will never leave us satisfied, if we are feeling bad or sad, we are not mindful of feeling bad, we are mindful of what we can do to make ourselves happy again. If we are feeling happy or content we are not mindful of being happy or content we are mindful of how we can stay that way.
Now we as Americans in general are big picture people, we do things to move on to the next, we have full days and we know how to be efficient. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, in Ecclesiastes Solomon talks about how the end is better than the beginning of a thing and I think that is because at the end of a thing you can see it holistically, so I don't completely agree with doing everything for the sake of doing it. I think we have to do some things for the sake of the end and the bigger picture or else nothing would really get done in light of everything else, but I think there are some things, and probably more than we think, that need to be done for the sake of that thing, or else, we won't have any memories at all. Christmases will be clouded by sadness from unmet expectations, a job will be boring and shortly hated because it's not what we would like to be doing. And mostly, especially in the throws of young adult life, social gatherings will be forgotten or just depressing because we will be far to worried about how we are being perceived or how much attention we are getting. Or else they will be forgotten because we will be too drunk on happiness to realize and appreciate to their fullest, the people around us.
Think about the most intense moments of your life, a few seconds can be the most life changing, a car crash, or even when a mother loses her child in the mall, you will never forget those moments because everything in those moments are so real and you are there. It's a hard thing to do, being "there" all the time, that's why we can't do it on our own, God is pumping substance into our vaporous life, or in other words, he's breathing life into us. So breathe in the spirit of God, the name of God, YHWH and be ever mindful of the moment of space and matter in front of you. Then you will live a life contrary to the Israelites who had problems with forgetting things they were supposed to remember. Be fully happy, be fully sad, be fully asleep, be fully awake, be fully breathing then you will start to live a life that is mindful of the things we ought to be mindful of. If you have 15 minutes watch this video, it is very good:

Mirror of a Sorrowful Session

This is a reflection of the book Ecclesiastes, read the 12 chapters, then read my poem and it will make a great deal more sense. Me and my amateur poetry... haha.

A, C, C, D, E, G, J, K, L, M, P, R, S, S, and God.
By: Erica Martinez

He said it all was vanity,
The doing of humanity.
A vapor in the language old
The sorrow of the story told
Of accolades and family too
What good can come of what you knew?

What hope lies in the weight of man?
Of what importance is the plan?
Success is near but never close
What can it be that hinders most?
To answer would be vain as well
Confusion’s home is where we dwell.

Understanding is hard to find
‘Cause God is God and we are blind.
What joy can be if folly taught
Is to be glad without a thought?
Doomed are we to live in sorrow,
Ever dreading what’s tomorrow.

A task we have to hope in, though,
It’s vapor too but off we go.
God’s gift to man supposedly
Should bring us joy and jubilee.
Make no mistake I don’t complain,
The work is good, but what’s to gain?

If action is approved by God,
Who’s to hinder the façade?
Drink and laugh and smile for now
Keep quiet mouths, break not your vow.
Fear God and trudge the narrow road,
This duty is on you bestowed.

Hope in the storm of the unknown
Rest in the love beneath the throne.
‘Tis up to God to bring in time
The beauty of another kind,
A love that far surpasseth me
That gives me purpose all to thee.

"What do you mean this? You just pointed to all of me!"

I had a great weekend! Very little work was done, but my soul was edified and I love that. I had a job interview on Saturday morning which went, I think, pretty well. After that I got the privilege of leading some group games and discussions for Freshman Initiatives so the 8 Freshman Torrey groups (of about 15 people each) could have a time to reflect and evaluate how they are doing as a group. It was a positive experience being on this side of things, seeing as I was in their shoes just a year ago. Anyways, as we waited for the groups to finish up on their personal reflecting times late at night, some of the sophomores gathered to watch Avatar. In the midst of the night activities, there were many runs to fast food places, doughnut places, and grocery stores by the sophomores for the groups as a joyous act of service. I loved every minute of it. Some of the sophomores stayed up till the last groups were done (7 am the following morning I believe was the latest) but I crashed at 3:30 am. Church the next day was quite peaceful, there were only 11 3 yr. olds as opposed to the usual 18 or 19. What a joy they are! Lunch with the family was refreshing and wonderful! Then we rushed back to college so I could make it back in time to go with a few dear friends to see "How to Train Your Dragon". It was a fantastic movie. In fact that is why I'm really writing this post, I said all the other stuff about my weekend cause I wanted to, but this is really about my review of this movie.

It was beautifully made. Legitimately, objectively beautiful. I have never wanted to fly so badly.
It really highlighted the contrast between darkness and light in such a beautiful way. The story was common but this is the kind of story that never gets old: Young person not expected to do anything with himself, proves the people wrong but keeps it a secret. Girl discovers secret and becomes a part of the secret. Boy saves the village. *Sadly* Single parent realizes that they were wrong and apologizes. Apart from the very end, this is a superb story line about being a hero and doing the right thing when no one expects you to or even thinks you can't do it. My only issue with this movie is that (even though it could've just as well been a story warning parents not to be the alpha-viking who does not care for his son) so many movies now a days, depicts the parental figure that is supposed to be wiser, kinder, and more mature, as stupid, foolish, and not-understanding of the ways and the imaginations of a child. Not to mention that parents are rarely displayed as both father and mother together... it's all too often just one of the parents and the other one either died or left. This is a tragedy because children need to look up to their parents as heroes just as much if not more than to literary or imaginative figures. Anyways I've talked about parents before in my "The Space between the start and the stop" Post... so I won't say anymore... only that that is my only complaint in the movie. Other than that it was simply beautiful.
It had a minor political message of "save the animals" (at a higher cost than it should've been) in it but it was quite harmless in the end. There is more than one way to be a hero and I think one of the ways can definitely be to understand you're enemy and change your approach because of what you discover.
Anyways... it was a beautiful film, absolutely breathtaking scenery! An utter breakthrough for Dreamworks animation. It's worth it to see it in 3-D.