*breathe*

While I'm waiting to be inspired by something wonderful, I'll just start writing. That's how most people tell you to get over writers block right? While I don't exactly have writer's block, I stand a little emptied of labor at the end of this semester looking back at a job well done. Another semester behind, another summer ahead, jobs are few and far between and there is a very bold line in my mind between desire and necessity.
As I reflect back over this semester I think of all the blessings, all the joy, all the growth that God has allowed me in his grace. It is spring in the secret garden of my soul and I look forward to the summer where I can spend time with some of the few people I love who have been given a key.
I did a little bit of an experiment a couple of weeks ago after I read a book by a Buddhist monk about mindfulness and breathing. He talked a lot about how you mustn't live life in the moment beyond the one you are in, you must do everything you are doing for the sake of doing that thing. Yes, there is a bigger picture, I'm writing this word so I can click publish after many words. I am, however, writing this word right now and being mindful of the fact that I am writing this word as I write each and every word after this. He talked about how your breath is a huge catalyst for becoming a mindful person and to start you must be able to control and be mindful of your breath. Interesting that the word for breath in Hebrew is the same word used for Spirit in the Bible.
Anyways, the experiment was basically a walk to the cafeteria and a meal of mindfulness. It was a boring meal. Everything about it was uninteresting and I had no idea that a meal could turn in to such a task, a task that I wasn't very good at, mind you. What happened when I got back, however, was amazing, I could close my eyes and remember every step, every leaf, every crack in the pavement, almost every bite, that is, until I would come into close proximity with a few friends I knew. My thoughts, goals, immediately and radically changed to wonder how I was being perceived. For those brief moments of "Hey so-and-so!" my breath was forgotten, the pavement lost, my train of thought was derailed. I only now even remember one of the several persons that I actually saw, and I have no recollection of myself or what was around me during those moments. It then occurred to me, the reason why we forget anything is because we are not mindful of what we are doing, we are only mindful of what we feel. This is all a very dramatic retelling of the event when it was all very normal interactions, I wasn't really thinking about how I was being perceived, in fact I was probably just glad to see someone I knew and cared for, but deep down inside when we are in the presence of others I think that matters. For if I was truly absorbed into the idea and persons of my friends, I'd be able to remember all five people I knew and cared about on the way , at the caf, when as now, I can only remember one of them.
We understand our feelings but we have no idea of what's going on around us or what we are doing. The problem with this is that our feelings will never leave us satisfied, if we are feeling bad or sad, we are not mindful of feeling bad, we are mindful of what we can do to make ourselves happy again. If we are feeling happy or content we are not mindful of being happy or content we are mindful of how we can stay that way.
Now we as Americans in general are big picture people, we do things to move on to the next, we have full days and we know how to be efficient. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing, in Ecclesiastes Solomon talks about how the end is better than the beginning of a thing and I think that is because at the end of a thing you can see it holistically, so I don't completely agree with doing everything for the sake of doing it. I think we have to do some things for the sake of the end and the bigger picture or else nothing would really get done in light of everything else, but I think there are some things, and probably more than we think, that need to be done for the sake of that thing, or else, we won't have any memories at all. Christmases will be clouded by sadness from unmet expectations, a job will be boring and shortly hated because it's not what we would like to be doing. And mostly, especially in the throws of young adult life, social gatherings will be forgotten or just depressing because we will be far to worried about how we are being perceived or how much attention we are getting. Or else they will be forgotten because we will be too drunk on happiness to realize and appreciate to their fullest, the people around us.
Think about the most intense moments of your life, a few seconds can be the most life changing, a car crash, or even when a mother loses her child in the mall, you will never forget those moments because everything in those moments are so real and you are there. It's a hard thing to do, being "there" all the time, that's why we can't do it on our own, God is pumping substance into our vaporous life, or in other words, he's breathing life into us. So breathe in the spirit of God, the name of God, YHWH and be ever mindful of the moment of space and matter in front of you. Then you will live a life contrary to the Israelites who had problems with forgetting things they were supposed to remember. Be fully happy, be fully sad, be fully asleep, be fully awake, be fully breathing then you will start to live a life that is mindful of the things we ought to be mindful of. If you have 15 minutes watch this video, it is very good: